One liners

I wondered why the Frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.

There are two rules for success: 1.) Don't tell all you know.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer.

Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

The statement following is true. The statement prior is false.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

Half the people in the world are below average.

You have the right to remain silent, anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.

The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.

Forgive and forget, but keep a list of names just in case.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up a thousand times the memory.

Jesus loves you, it's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

Be nice to your kids: they'll choose your nursing home.

Two rights do not make a wrong, they make an airplane.

Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Everybody repeat after me: "We are all individuals."

Hard work pays off in the future, but laziness pays off now.

I'd like to have more self-esteem, but I don't deserve it.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

If you jogged backwards, would you gain weight?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Lord save me from your followers.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

Help Wanted: Telepath; you know where to apply.

Department of Redundancy Department

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Confucius say: Those who quote me are fools.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.