Car Trouble

My wife came home yesterday and said, "Honey, the car won't start, but I know what the problem is." I asked her what it was and she told me it has water in the carburetor.

I thought for a moment, then said, "You know I don't mean this badly, but you don't know the carburetor from the accelerator."

"No, there's definitely water in the carburetor" she insisted.

"OK, Honey, that's fine, I'll just go take a look. Where is it?"

"In the lake."

As Good As It Gets

Three women were dressing after an aerobics workout and talking about their spouses. "My husband," said the first, "is a marriage counselor. He always buys me candy or flowers before we make love."

"Mine is a jeweler," the second said. "he always brings me a pearl or two before we make love."

The third woman paused.... "Well," she finally said, "my husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."

Adventures Away!

In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.

Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.

And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs.

Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs
in full.

Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.

Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis."

All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. "See there in the distance. That's the hospital where I had it done!"

A woman's 4 Favorite Animals

1. A Mink: to provide a beautiful coat.

2. A Jaguar: to reside in her garage.

3. A Tiger: to keep her happy in the bedroom.

4. A Jackass: to pay for all the above.

A Divine Sign

A Rabbi and a Priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither cleric is hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the Rabbi sees the Priest's collar and says, "So you're a Priest, that's interesting. I'm a
Rabbi... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Priest replied," I agree with you completely; this must be a sign from God!

The Rabbi continued, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the Priest.

The Priest shakes his head in agreement, opens it and takes a few big swigs from the bottle, then handing it back to the Rabbi. The Rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the Priest.

The Priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The Rabbi replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

A 12-Step Program

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386474765 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 GB FREE DISK SPACE
3.5 GB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM
POWER STEERING
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and trouble-shooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light,...finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."

5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.

7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen:

The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:

+---------+ +-----------+
| YES | | SURE |
+---------+ +-----------+

9. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."

10. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:

CONGRATULATIONS

The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software.

If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites,you should immediately swear, like this: *!@!$)$%@&*^)$*!#$_$*^&

11. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.


And so that's the easy way to install software...

Anybody in delhi / bombay will appreciate this more...

Noticed how horny the advetisers get while presenting the houses ?
Heres a dialogue.

Wife : " Dekho itne paise ikathha ho gaye hain, aise mein kaisa ghar miega ?"
Hubby :" Fully airconditioned, modular kitchen walla, marble flooring...."

Then in last, in the horniest manner possible, "Ab to sample flat bhee ready hai !!!".

It ends as...
Wife : "Thank you XYZ developers, ab hum bhee luxury apartments walle ho gaye...".

Back in time.

Hey, i guess you've heard this before,In case you haven't...

Go to your 'orkut' scrapbook...
There in the bottom right corner, you will find this button 'last' (the first scraps you've had)...
Read on and press 'previous' when done reading the page.
Let the memories flow.
It gets better if you haven't deleted the old scraps.

Let me know if that was good.( Scrap me idiot ! )

Orkut : View this conversation

Orkut has introduced a new concept "View this conversation"... It lets you view the older scraps which were a part of the conversation, so that you are not clueless about what the other person is talking about.

Go ahead, use it... love it !

Hey there !

Heard this song "New soul" by 'Yael Naim'... Its quite a good song, on high notes. Will definitely lift up your spirits ... Especially the way she pronounces 'mistake'. Its way too cute.

And the video is a masterpiece, watch it... why waste life ?


Download :

http://www.arjanwrites.com/arjanwrites/2008/02/free-download-1.html

Lrics :

I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take.
But since I came here
Felt the joy and the fear
Finding myself making every possible mistake

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

I'm a young soul in this very strange world hoping I could learn a bit about what is true and fake.
But why all this hate?
Try to communicate.
Finding trust and love is not always easy to make.

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

This is a happy end cause' you don't understand everything you have done why's everything so wrong

This is a happy end come and give me your hand I'll take your far away.

[Refrain]:
I'm a new soul I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit about how to give and take
But since I came here fellt the joy and the fear finding myself making every possible mistake

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...

Video :


myspace layouts


Comment if you liked it, here or orkut; and in future, i might as well post other such things.

soon

Vikram seth wrote this piece of poetry, back a decade. Its about a person who has been infected with HIV virus, that is he is suffering from AIDS. He can almost look at his dead end approaching. The poem is in first person. Enjoy... and yes, the last four lines are my favourites.

soon



I shall die soon, I know
This thing in my blood.
It will not let me go.
It saps my cell for food.

It soaks my night in sweat
n breaks my day in pain
No hand or drug can treat
these limbs for love or gain.

Love was the strange first cause
that bred grief in its seed,
And gain knew its own laws-
to fix ts plce and breed.

He whom I love, thank god.
Wont speak of hope or cure.
It would not do me good.
He sees that I am sure.

He knows what I have read
And will not bring me lies.
He sees that I am dead.
I read it in his eyes.

How am I to go on-
How will I bear this taste,
My throat cased in white
spawn-these hands that shake
and waste?

Stay by my steel ward bed
And hold me where I lie.
Love me when I am dead
And do not let me die.



Reread the last para...

neave

Hi,
Its been a really long time since i've posted anything. Sorry but my life kept me busy. The other dsy, i was surfing around and came across this site by paul neave...
www.neave.com

Its an awesome site, and more importantly different. Try the imagination section there. Somewhere in there you find this ...

"// Do you have any tips?

Turn the computer off and go outside. Go hang with your friends. Make lots of new friends. Count your blessings. Smile like an idiot. Don't think too much. Don't worry about the future. Don't take life too seriously. Don't pay attention to a word I say."

Go there !!! Its atleast better than this blog post !

Go Go GO !!!!

Awesome article.

Imagine there is a bank account that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening the bank deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day. What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course?
Each of us has such a bank. It's name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to a good purpose.
It carries over no balance. It allows no over draft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no drawing against "tomorrow."
You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness and success!
The clock is running!! Make the most of today.

To realise the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.

To realise the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realise the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realise the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realise the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who just missed a train.

To realise the value of ONE SECOND, ask someone who just avoided an accident.

To realise the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal at the Olympics.

Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time with. And remember time waits for no one.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why its called the present.

How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.

The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!

When a GIRL is quiet,
Millions of things are running in her mind
When a GIRL is not arguing,
She is thinking deeply
When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of
questions,
She is wondering how long you will be
around
When a GIRL answers "i'm fine" after a
few seconds,
She is not at all fine
When a GIRL stares at you,
She is wondering why you are lying
When a GIRL lays on your chest,
She is wishing for you to be hers forever
When a GIRL calls you everyday,
She is seeking for your attention
When a GIRL sms's u everyday,
She wants you to reply at least once
When a GIRL says I love you,
She means it
When a GIRL says that she can't live
without you,
She has made up her mind that you are
her future
When a GIRL says "i miss you",
No one in this world can miss you more
than that.

- Unknown

"Never tell your problems to anyone...20% don't care and the other 80% are glad you have them."


"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control."


Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.

- Anonymous

A stranger stabs you in the front; a friend stabs you in the back; a boyfriend stabs you in the heart, but best friends only poke each other with straws.

- Unknown


Should I smile because we are friends? Or cry because we'll never be anything more?

- Ian


You know you're in love when you don't wanna go to sleep at night because your life is better than a dream.

- Unknown


Adults are just kids with money.


Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about.

- Unknown


There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened.

- Mary Kay Ash


When you feel cold and warm at the same time,
when you read over the same line for the tenth time,
when your heart and thoughts somehow appear to rhyme,
and when a simple name conquers your whole mind,
then you are in deep trouble my friend... you are in what they call, "love".

- Philippos Aristotelous


Today I caught myself smiling for no reason... then I realized I was thinking about you




When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile.



Nobody is worth your tears, and the one who is won't make you cry.



I dream of a better tomorrow... where chickens can cross roads and not have their motives questioned

- Unknown

Hell...

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid-term. The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, and the sharing obviously hasn't ceased...

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or Endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote Proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

This student received the only A.

the one.

"Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you' re just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU... The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her"....

- Unknown (Website)

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their a** to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film, "did ya see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor!

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the hell??? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!!! What can you do thats longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?" If the bus came, would I be standing here???

- Unknown

Hey ! came across these lovely quotes on the net...


I’m the person your mother warned you about.



We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

- Sam Keen, from To Love and Be Loved



Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.



Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.



A day without sunshine is like night.



Excuse, but do I look like someone who cares?



Do not disturb I’m disturbed enough already.



The trouble with life is there’s no background music.



I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.



If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried



A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS–But it uses up a thousand times the memory.



Whatever the questions is, Liquor Is The Answer



Your Boyfriend Thinks I’m Hot.



Weapons Of Mass Distraction.



I don’t know what makes you dumb But it really works.



I don’t need no Educashun.


I get the best feeling in the world when you say hi or even smile at me because I know, even if its just for a second, that I've crossed your mind.

- Unknown


"The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in."



Have you ever wondered which hurts the most: saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing, and wishing you had?

- Unknown



It's better to keep your mouth shut and give the impression that you're stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.


One of my favourites :

In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

- shing xiong